Failure?

So you’ve failed in the past. Does this mean you're a failure?

If you're carrying the same mistakes from your past into your present, even if you know it’s wrong, you could have an unhealthy issue with your identity. Your identity has many compartments. You may seem healthy in some areas of identity, but be unhealthy in others. You might even have what appears to be a positive sense of identity, but it can still be unhealthy. Our heart is the seat of our identity. We all live out of the beliefs of our hearts. Our behavior is the result of those beliefs.

To change behavior, we must focus on changing the beliefs of our hearts. Behavior modification generally just leaves us exhausted in trying to change the symptom, but not healing the problem.
Is this scriptural? Absolutely!

Proverbs. 4:33. New International Version
"Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life."

Proverbs 3:23 Complete Jewish Bible.
"Above everything else, guard your heart; for it is the source of life’s consequences."

Take a step in a healthy direction! Identity is Everything!

Inside out!

The mistakes I’ve made that hurt people.
The opportunities that I did not follow through on.
The feelings of not belonging.
That critical inner voice that compared myself to others.
The replayed, diminishing words of family members and ill-equipped leaders.
These were all signs of an unhealthy sense of Identity.

The truest you is not found in your failures, feelings, others opinions or your circumstances of lack.

One can have a positive sense of self and still not have a healthy sense of self. The truest, healthiest you is rooted in God's opinion of you. ESPECIALLY in the verses that include the phrases, In Christ, By Christ, Through Christ, With Christ.
Why? These verses represent how God Our Father sees us. Father knows best!

We all live out of the beliefs of our hearts, particularly the beliefs about self. Changing those unhealthy beliefs to healthy beliefs, changes our behaviors and lives!

Thankfully, God is all about transformation! He does it from the inside out!

If you can relate to this post and need help establishing your healthiest self, Call for an appointment today. 941-539-7972

Honestly, I Just don't Like This Scripture!

Before you judge me too harshly, let me explain. I do love God’s word. Like you, I have some favorite scriptures, (about 200 or so), but there are scriptures that challenge me.

The one I’m referring too in the title is found in the Book of James, Chapter 4, verses 2-4.

2-4 “Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.“

I DON’T LIKE WHEN MY FAITH HAS TESTS AND CHALLENGES! Especially when it seems like these tests really do come at me from ALL SIDES! It’s these tests and trials that expose the true colors of our faith.

But this scripture tells us to consider it a gift! WHY? Because they help us mature. This scripture doesn’t say that these tests and challenges are even from God. After all, He can’t and won’t test us with evil. The fallen world we live in is a test all by itself. I don’t like being proven to be deficient in any way. Do you? The process of life’s challenges is necessary in order to achieve the desired result!

So, if I want maturity and to be well developed, I have to change my outlook! I have to change the way I look at tests and challenges, knowing that as I “trust God” in and through them, I’m being equipped for other things.

Let me share a couple of things that can help in moving through these trying times.

  1. There’s always more going on than what we see in the moment. We only see in part. We only know in part. There is a bigger picture. The frustrations and irritations that we feel are based on a part - not the whole. God always has a bigger picture and a bigger plan. God’s plans are good. He said so! Jeremiah 29:11 tells us, “ I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord; they are good and not evil. They are plans that give you hope and a future and an expected end.”

    Rest in the fact that his plan provides new appointments that have the power to override the the disappointments of our present and past.

  2. There’s always a promise from God. During these times of, “the trying of our faith”, we can focus on the promises that God’s word has given us for every situation. I’ve yet to meet the Christian that does not need to grow more in certain areas of his or her life. Our trials, combined with faith and patience have the ability to, “Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.”

    God’s desire is that we are not deficient in any way - which means that God wants us to grow up into His ways and representation of Him.

I may not like the process while in the process, but I love the idea of being a better representation of Him. In all ways!

Honestly, I Just don't Like This Scripture!

Before you judge me too harshly, let me explain. I do love God’s word. Like you, I have some favorite scriptures, (about 200 or so), but there are scriptures that challenge me.

The one I’m referring too in the title is found in the Book of James, Chapter 4, verses 2-4.

2-4 “Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.“

I DON’T LIKE WHEN MY FAITH HAS TESTS AND CHALLENGES! Especially when it seems like these tests really do come at me from ALL SIDES! It’s these tests and trials that expose the true colors of our faith.

But this scripture tells us to consider it a gift! WHY? Because they help us mature. This scripture doesn’t say that these tests and challenges are even from God. After all, He can’t and won’t test us with evil. The fallen world we live in is a test all by itself. I don’t like being proven to be deficient in any way. Do you? The process of life’s challenges is necessary in order to achieve the desired result!

So, if I want maturity and to be well developed, I have to change my outlook! I have to change the way I look at tests and challenges, knowing that as I “trust God” in and through them, I’m being equipped for other things.

Let me share a couple of things that can help in moving through these trying times.

  1. There’s always more going on than what we see in the moment. We only see in part. We only know in part. There is a bigger picture. The frustrations and irritations that we feel are based on a part - not the whole. God always has a bigger picture and a bigger plan. God’s plans are good. He said so! Jeremiah 29:11 tells us, “ I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord; they are good and not evil. They are plans that give you hope and a future and an expected end.”

    Rest in the fact that his plan provides new appointments that have the power to override the the disappointments of our present and past.

  2. There’s always a promise from God. During these times of, “the trying of our faith”, we can focus on the promises that God’s word has given us for every situation. I’ve yet to meet the Christian that does not need to grow more in certain areas of his or her life. Our trials, combined with faith and patience have the ability to, “Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.”

    God’s desire is that we are not deficient in any way - which means that God wants us to grow up into His ways and representation of Him.

I may not like the process while in the process, but I love the idea of being a better representation of Him. In all ways!

It's Not An Easy Thing!

There’s no shame in needing help through the decision and process of FORGIVING OTHERS. More times than not, forgiveness is a journey not just a one time decision. The boundaries we create to keep our offenders out, can also keep us locked in with our offense, pain, and resentment. While those boundaries may temporarily make us feel safe, they can not be a healthy substitute for forgiveness!

The prisoner we set free is ourselves, when we choose to forgive! You don’t have to take this journey alone.

Surviving Estrangement ( With your sanity)! #9 The Root of Bitterness!

When experiencing estrangement from a loved one, we feel a myriad of emotions. The internal trying to make sense of it, the mental roller coaster ride with its ups and downs, loops and jolts, can be wearisome.

Whether we are the estranger or the estranged, It’s important to guard our hearts against the root of bitterness. There’s a pretty good chance that resentment or bitterness has already played a big part in the scenario anyway.

Bitterness is more than just an emotional state that involves sadness, resentment and anger. It can evolve from feeling unappreciated, unloved, disrespected, insulted or injured.

There are consequences that bitterness has on our physical health that cannot be overlooked. It fuels our stress levels which in itself can lead to many other physical issues.

Research has proven that chronic bitterness can weaken our body’s ability to fight off infections and illnesses. I’m not one get sick often, so when I do, I make it a practice to ask myself if what I’m experiencing is associated with any unhealthy, negative feelings like resentment or bitterness. A persistent release of stress hormones suppresses our immune system’s proper functioning - so not only do we have an “open door” for infections and sicknesses, our bodies can’t recover as quickly when we do get sick.

Our bodies also become more susceptible to risks of high blood pressure, which in turn adds to the possibility of heart disease and stroke .

Digestive issues, sleep disorders, accelerated aging, and chronic muscle aches and pains are also some of the ways bitterness can affect our physical health.

We also need to look at the fact that there is the spiritual aspect of bitterness. Bitterness at its core is a self-protecting judgment that we make about someone else. It seems like Jesus may have spoken once or twice about not judging others.

Hebrews 12:15 instructs believers in this way. “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.”

This scripture offers us a solution to bitterness! It’s not just a command and warning against it.

Bitterness is subject to the grace of God. When we offer our bitterness to God, He provides a grace that empowers us to live above it. Grace is the power to be and the power to do what we can’t be and do in our own strength! God’s grace has many facets to it. Grace is the basis of our salvation. Grace is also the enabling power to fulfill the will of God, as well as strength for obeying his word. In many instances of estrangement, bitterness is the root, that has empowered the problem, by both the estranger and the estranged!

Bitterness is also BLIND! It keeps us searching in the wrong direction, and only leads to deception.

According to the above mentioned scripture, the root of bitterness causes trouble, and defiles us.

Listen, I get it - estrangement is painful! Bitterness only adds to the pain, and increases chances of more pain, physically and spiritually. There is a grace that helps us to forgive. There is a grace that brings health and healing to our hearts and souls.

What is our response to God’s ability going to be? Will we release the bitterness. It’s at the root of many negative consequences we may be facing. It’s at the root of trouble in our lives. Let’s not fail to obtain the grace to forgive and move forward beyond the bitterness.

God Has Never Said OOPS!

Healing the BROKENHEARTED was intentionally placed in the redemptive mission of Christ!

The mission statement of Jesus is found in Luke 4:18-19,

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the POOR; he hath sent me to heal the BROKENHEARTED, to preach deliverance to the CAPTIVES, and recovering of sight to the BLIND, to set at liberty them that are BRUISED, to preach the acceptable year of the Lord”

He knew this world would bring heartbreak. He isn’t surprised by it! He hasn’t wondered about what to do. He made healing our hearts part of His plan! Your story has another chapter!

Listen to Yourself!

If you take the time to listen, you will hear a lot of things being said about you today. Some of these words will be encouraging and uplifting - some will not be! Some things we will hear may come from external sources. Someone will have an opinion of you and the things you do. More importantly, you will hear yourself speak to yourself, about yourself.

We all have enemies of our souls. I’m convinced that our biggest enemy is not the devil. After all, he is not eternal, he is not all knowing, or all powerful, and he can’t be everywhere at once.

Our biggest enemy is not our past, it’s not our race, or our current economic status. It is not our lack of education, our childhood dysfunctional home life, or lack of opportunity.

While these things can have an affect on us, they are only part of a story that makes up a bigger story that translates into our IDENTITY!

All of us have things written upon our hearts. It’s the things we have believed about ourselves that we live out daily!

Proverbs instructs us to “Guard our hearts, (the seat of our identity) with all diligence, because everything we do flows from it!” This scripture actually has nothing to do with guarding our hearts against other people, but being cautious with the information we perceive as the truth, predominantly about ourselves.

Our biggest enemy is the lie we believe about ourselves. We live what we have interpreted to be the truth about ourselves, even if it’s not truthful.

We are our best, most purposeful self when we see ourselves as God sees us!

So, have you listened to yourself - to the words and thoughts you tell yourself about yourself? You may repeatedly use a few choice words when describing yourself. Listen… Pay attention to the questions you ask yourself about yourself. Like, “Why do I always…?” or “Why am I so…? Do the things you believe about yourself align with the things God says and thinks about you?

Identity is everything! Renewing our minds to God’s word is the beginning of transformation! (Romans 12:1-2)

Today, listen to yourself - begin to catch, challenge and change your thoughts, you have and believe about yourself.

Take The "Lord I Need You" Challenge (John 15:5)

A few weeks ago, as I was driving to town in my truck, Matt Maher’s song, Lord I need You, came on the radio.

The lyrics, “Lord I need you, how I need you! EVERY HOUR I NEED YOU,” began to challenge me. I believe all of us who call ourselves Christians, recognize our need for God, in many ways. But I felt challenged to recognize how much I readily admit that I need Him, which also makes me recognize my attitude of independence, or my “I can do this on my own”attitude . Sure, I recognize my need for grace and forgiveness - consistently! I need strength and joy and wisdom - always. But do I believe that I really need him - EVERY HOUR?

So, I accepted this inner challenge of, throughout the day, telling God, “I NEED YOU!” As close as possible to each new hour, without necessarily setting an alarm, yet being cognizant in as many hours throughout my day - as I wake up - as I lay down to sleep - acknowledging that I NEED HIM!

I could tell immediately that this was going to be beneficial to me in many ways. Here’s a short list of ways it’s helped me and might help you too!

1. It drew my attention and recognition to God, helping me to recenter my thoughts, life and actions on him!

2. It reminded me of his abiding presence.

3. It opened doors of grace. (God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble)!

4. I became more submissive and open to His leading!

5. Helped me to bear spiritual fruit!

It’s been said, “What we look at grows, and what we look at the most grows the biggest!” Of everything that’s in my life, I want His presence to be the most evident. I want His promises and purposes to be manifested! The only way for that to happen is if I consistently LOOK AT HIM!

Perhaps you look for these things as well! If so, I want to invite you to take the “Lord I Need You Challenge!” It’s not to pressure, judge, or condemn ourselves or others over. It is intended to encourage you and help in the areas I’ve found help in, but possibly other areas as well!

LORD, I NEED YOU! EVERY HOUR I NEED YOU!

Jn. 15:5 I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me…you can do nothing.

Struggling with Finances?

Zig Ziglar is quoted as saying, “money isn’t everything but it ranks up there with oxygen.”

Nearly everything we want, need, desire, and dream of requires money. Money makes the world go ‘round more than love does! When we struggle financially, it seems to affect every other area of our lives.

We can provide scriptural evidence that money is important to God, the kingdom of God, and His people in general. There are approximately 2000 scriptures about money and possessions in the Bible, indicating its importance. Many of these scriptures speak to God’s generous nature and desire to meet the needs of His people.

So why do so many good people, who love God, struggle with financial hardship, as if their money is swept away with the current of life. Many people who I personally know are barely getting by, and some are not even close to being able to pay their bills. As much as we want to point a finger, the struggle “ultimately” can’t be blamed on politics, the times we are living in, or any other number of things that contribute to our financial frustrations. Before you stop reading, I’ll address this statement a little later in more detail.

Perhaps you are struggling right now with a financial hardhship. I’d like to simply point out three things to ponder that I hope will help. Actually, I have three questions to ask. This will certainly not be an exhaustive study on the topic, but I believe it might help realign our vision, thoughts and actions that can prepare us for increase!

First of all; do we believe God wants us to prosper and have our needs and even desires met? If we are going to pray for financial blessing and trust God to meet our needs, we must believe that it is God’s will, otherwise we can’t ask in faith. Scripture assures us that, “My God shall supply all of your needs, according to His riches in Glory, by Christ Jesus.” We are also told to, “Remember the Lord thy God, for it’s He that gives us the power to attain wealth, so that his covenant can be established in the earth.” The Apostle John wrote, “Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be healthy, even as your soul prospers!”

I encourage you to google scriptures that speak about God’s will regarding finances, to create your own beliefs and build your faith regarding this topic. This is important! I don’t just want you to take my word for it. We all “live out of” the beliefs of our heart. That’s why you and I are instructed to “guard your heart with all diligence, because out of it flow all the issues of life!” Unhealthy and unscriptural beliefs lead to unhealthy issues. Money issues come from what we hold to be true about money!

Next - Are we looking to God as our source, or a job as our source. This is an area where we seem to get our eyes off of the abundance of God and onto other things. We stop trusting in the Lord and start leaning to our understanding, or what we can see, and hear!. Trusting in our job can only offer limited security and comfort but not true peace, because it’s a temporary situation. It can change without notice. God never changes! He is always the same. Sure, we are expected to work a job, or be self employed. But our job should be viewed as an avenue, not our source. If God can provide a widow in the Bible with enough oil to sell, and then live for the rest of her life - and if God can provide a prophet with food, brought to him by ravens in his time if need, God can provide for us in untypical ways also! When we look to someone or something else as our source, our faith and the supply becomes limited. When we view God as our source, he meets our needs “according to His riches in glory” (Phil. 4:19), not according to one avenue. As our source, He creates other avenues to help us from. There have been times I’ve received an unexpected check in the mail. There have been times when a gift from someone was given with the reason from the giver that “they felt like they (or God) wanted to bless me!” I don’t know about you, but I want a financial source with unlimited avenues, not an avenue as my source that has its built in limits.

God’s economic plan is not attached to the U.S. treasury. He is not affected by inflation. I believe he cares about the decisions made by whoever is in the White House, but if we are looking to God as our source and not other men, or the economic indicators, we can live from the supernatural flow of His kingdom! Jesus prayed that “God’s will would be done on earth as it is in heaven.” Heaven is not suffering financial hardships! After all, the streets are made of gold!

Finally, How stingy or generous are we, especially when things get tight financially? The golden rule applies all the time, not just when we feel like we have the most to offer. Sowing seeds into the lives of others can look like a lot of different things. We are encouraged to be friendly when we need a friend. We are also encouraged to give financially to the need of others when we ourselves have needs. Proverbs tells us that, “One gives freely and grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want.” We are also instructed in Proverbs 11 that, “The world of the generous gets larger and larger; the world of the stingy gets smaller and smaller. The one who blesses others is abundantly blessed; those who help others are helped.”

The kingdom of God way of doing things does not always make sense, nor agree with the world’s philosophy. God sees our kindness and “doing unto others” as seeds that will bring us a harvest of the things we have sown. Giving to others, especially when we have a need that we don’t know how it will be met, opens another avenue for God to bless us with. Jesus’ own words in red are, “Give and it will be given back to, good measure, pressed down and shaken together, will be poured into your lap!”

God wants to bless us! He wants to be our source who can bless us through many avenues. He wants our trust placed in Him more than any other person or thing. He also wants to use our unselfish generosity towards others, to create an avenue in which he can bring his provision back around to us.

Be well!

Two Kinds of Broken! Which One Do You Identify With?

In today’s church lingo, the word “broken” has become the go-to term for the definition of our state of being.  The term is used in songs, sermon’s, books, articles and yes… blogs.  We use the word to describe our condition(s). 

Before you read much farther, I do want to clarify something upfront! If you are currently brokenhearted and hurting from wrongs done to you, take note that your situation is different than what I referring to here.  Thankfully, Jesus does address your situation in Luke 4:18 and states that He has been sent to heal the brokenhearted.  In Psalms 147:3 God promises that He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  There is hope and healing for your broken heart.    

In this writing, I’m referring to the church attributing every negative issue to our broken state.  We attribute our failures, our inabilities, and our physical imperfections to our brokenness.  We have accepted the mindset that all the imperfect things about ourselves should be attributed to our brokenness.   However, brokenness, as the scripture mentions is quite different. The word is used properly when we speak of humbling ourselves in surrender to God with the purpose of Him flowing through us, for his glory.

This world we live in is broken.  Before coming to Christ we were broken.  God does not see us as broken beings, if we are in Christ.  As a matter of fact, scripture tells us that we are complete in Him (Colossians 2:10).  This claim by the church that “we are just broken People” feels like a “Yeah but” against what God says about us. Don’t get me wrong - we are to be broken!  Brokenness is not a result of the exterior happenings that make us feel less than or not enough.  Nor is it the weariness we experience due to us holding onto some expected outcome.  Brokenness is not the emotional trauma that we have endured and carried ourselves, only to find that our strength was not enough.   It is not the excuses we make for ourselves. The brokenness the Bible speaks of is completely different.  Grace, (the power to be and do what we can’t be and do in our own strength) covers our inadequacies caused by the fall in the Garden of Eden and our old nature. 

The Apostle Paul writes in the book of 2 Corinthians, chapter 12, “when I am weak, then I am strong,” (as one who is depending on God’s grace).  The external things that destroy the faith of many people are what Paul considered pleasure and delight! How could he say that about our trials? Because he knew God’s grace would strengthen him. He also knew that God’s grace was always sufficient for whatever came his way! In personal weakness, God’s grace imparts strength. His power is perfected in our weakness. Weakness without this grace is misery and continued weakness.

Scriptural brokenness is not the results of something that happens to us.  True Brokenness results in Us happening to something!  It’s not being victimized by circumstances but is being dependent upon and submitted to God’s plan and power in order to destroy the works of darkness and bring light to those situations. Life’s truest satisfaction comes when He increases and we decrease (John 3:30).  For it is God who works in you (us), both to will and to work for His good pleasure. (Philippians 2:13)

“There is something of great value within us, but we are like pots made of earth and clay.  This power is greater than any other power. But it comes from God, not from us.  We have much trouble, but we do not give up.  We are in hard places, but help always comes.  (2 Corinthians  4:7-8 World English New Testament)  

In biblical times clay pots that contained valuable items were typically sealed.  In many cases there was no way to sample what was inside a container. The container had to be broken to access the treasure within.  As it is with the vessel that this scripture speaks of, we must be broken, willingly, to allow the power of God within us to be manifested.

 Notice that circumstances and hardships listed in the scripture above are not what is referred to as brokenness, or the cause of brokenness.  There is hope and help in all circumstances.  Breaking is what comes from our humility to God’s greatness and goodness.

Scriptural brokenness is intentional.  It is deliberate with a purpose in mind.  

 The night Jesus was handed over to the soldiers, He took bread. When He had given thanks, He broke it and said, “Take this bread and eat it. This is My body which is broken for you. Do this to remember Me.” (1 Cor. 11:23-24).

Jesus intentionally gave Himself to be broken for us!  Brokenness for the believer means to die to self so that His abundant life can flow through us, bringing life to others.  Brokenness is necessary to reveal purpose.  Every Christian’s purpose is about the Kingdom of God and living for something bigger than ourselves, for those other than ourselves.

As the popular saying goes, “Think broken – Feel broken – Act broken”….  Okay, I admit, that’s not a popular saying.  I’ve never heard that before now, but there’s truth in those words.  Brokenness is not a state of being that needs healing.  It’s the beginning of something powerful.  As long as we keep telling ourselves that we are broken, in the sense that we are focusing on our faults and circumstances, we will live in that reality.   We have a choice in what and who we IDENTIFY with! Let’s stop using the word “Broken” as an indicator of what’s wrong with us and realize it is a powerful reference of humility and submission to God’s reign, which leads to revival and restoration for ourselves and others. 

It's Automatic!

So many times we try modifying our behavior, believing that changing our actions will somehow change us. As noble as that might seem, transformation takes place from the inside out.

Each of us have things written on our hearts. These things become the truth we live out. Some of those things are good and healthy, while some things are debilitating and unhealthy.

These truths are written by experiences and events from our past. They are planted in us by the words of others and the things we tell ourselves about ourselves.

Even if something does not line up with God’s truth about us, but we believe it, it becomes our life’s guide. We only live, behave, function from what our heart perceives as our truth.

Perhaps that’s why Proverbs 4:23, teaches us, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

If you’re looking for transformation in your life, let’s start by looking at changing your perceived truth about yourself! Change then becomes automatic. Your truth determines how you see yourself fitting, functioning, and flourishing in the world around you. It’s your sense of identity - Identity is everything!

What destination, what outcome, what results will your next step lead you to?

Surviving Estrangement (With Your Sanity)! #8 Your Overall Health Requires These!

Estrangement has some powerfully negative affects on all parties involved, but especially when the separation is between an adult children and a parent. More families than ever before are experiencing this epidemic of divided families.

Family estrangement can be shattering to the identity (sense of self) of the one who has been cut off from their family member. One of the most accurate explanations that I’ve heard is summed up this way. “Estrangement creates a uniquely devastating form of grief in which an estranged family member often mourns the living.”

Not only does it cause one or more family members to grieve, it creates issues of mistrust, lack of purpose, feelings of isolation - even from other healthy relationships, self esteem problems, rumination, unhealthy eating and sleeping habits, and the list goes on!

Taking good care of your physical and mental health is critically important during a period of estrangement. Being INTENTIONAL in a few things can go a long way in surviving estrangement.

  1. Catch the ruminating thoughts and change them. It’s easy to stay focussed on our pain. It’s natural to ruminate on the negative circumstances of broken relationships. Scripture tells us in the book of Philippians, the fourth chapter, verses eight and nine, to be intentional with our thoughts. The Apostle Paul writes, Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

  2. Partner with someone else for accountability, encouragement and prayer. This could be a friend or neighbor. It could be someone from your church or organization. It could be someone who has the same problems you have, or someone with different circumstances. This doesn’t mean that the other person does all the helping though. Studies show that when we give of ourselves, ( in spite of our own needs), we actually benefit in many ways from helping others. It’s the principle of seed faith. It’s sowing and reaping, giving and receiving! Purpose takes place when we touch the lives of others in a positive way. Purpose actually Is touching the lives of others in a positive way! A sense of purpose can restore our own souls. It gets our eyes on the more complete picture of our lives. It gives us faith that as we help others in need, God sees our seeds of love and kindness and will cause the reciprocal action to be reaped in our lives, as well as the lives of our estranged loved one. Doing for others when we need something ourselves - This is the Golden Rule lived out!

    As partners, regularly encourage healthy eating and sleeping habits. Listen with a compassionate ear, and pray with and for each other.

  3. Invite God into your situation! God may not have caused the issues or the pain, but he wants to be a part of helping you in your journey. The scripture stated above ends with this promise - “The God of Peace will be with you!” I will take the peace of God in my life any day! But this promise is about his presence, as the God of peace. The instructional part of the verse is about intentional thought and doing what we know to be right. The promise part of the scripture is that He will be with us.

    My prayer for you -

    Father, we come to you in prayer, needing help. We need your strength, wisdom and guidance. We need your healing in our families. Forgive us in the areas we have failed. We choose to forgive others who have hurt us. We invite you into our situations. We invite you into our pain. We surrender our loved ones, our relationships, our hearts, our failures, and our pain to you - our source of life! Holy Spirit lead me and my loved ones into your truth. We receive your strength for the journey, and your healing in our lives. In Jesus’ name, Amen!


Surviving Estrangement (With Your Sanity)! #7 Parental Shame

There’s an added weight that parents with estranged adult children deal with. On top of the persistent, self doubting questions, the pain and silence that accompanies birthdays, holidays, and everyday life, there is a private sense of shame that many parents deal with. After all, how do you explain to friends and family, who haven’t experienced estrangement, the what’s and why’s of what you don’t completely understand yourself?

It’s common for parents of estranged adult children to question everything about their own parenting abilities, their identity, their worth and many other things. This shame is not as focussed on the guilt of mistakes, as much as it is an attack on who we are as human beings. It’s an unhealthy label that attempts to define us as failures, and relegate us to hopelessness.

While estrangement has been around since the days of Cain and Able, it has had an incredible spike in the last decade or so.

Nearly 1 in 3 families deal with, (effectively or ineffectively) estrangement, and many of these include estrangement between parents and their children. It’s a gaping wound within our culture. I include this growing statistic to let you know that if you are estranged from your child, you are not alone in this struggle. It’s everywhere!

I’m confident that none of us were perfect parents. I’m confident that most of us did the best we could do, but also that we have grown and matured along the way. I’m most confident that God wants to be the central part of healing this divide in our families.

In the Biblical story of the prodigal son, there was no indication that the father had given his son a reason to ask for his inheritance, (Which is the same a saying, I wish you were dead) and then leave. The reasons for the sons actions were held within the son’s interpretations and filters of his own soul and life. Accept that not everything your child does is about your failures as a parent.

I’m not insinuating that one hundred percent of estrangement situations are unjustified. But I would wager my life that most are uncalled for and unnecessary.

Shame will never lead you in a positive direction. If you have made mistakes as a parent, repent and move forward, without the sense of shame. Move forward in hope, move forward in faith, move forward knowing God wants to play a part in healing your relationships.

God has provided a way for us to live without shame. It’s part of our redemption. It’s part of our relationship with Christ. As our redeemer, he offers us a release from shame. Scripture teaches us that, “Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like flint, (on God) and I know I will not be put to shame.” (Isaiah 50:7) And “Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; NO SHADOW OF SHAME WILL DARKEN THEIR FACES!” (Psalms 34:5)

If you struggle with shame as a parent, or feel shame in any other area of your life, God wants you to be free you from this dread.

God desires restoration. He doesn’t want to restore “what was”. He wants to restore and renew to a healthy relationship. He forgives when we repent. Perhaps it’s time to forgive yourself and be free from the parental shame of estrangement.

For more help in Surviving Estrangement, my contact information is provided on the contact page of this sight!

What destination will your next step lead you to?

Surviving Estrangement (with your sanity)! #6 Have You Imagined That Day?

Have you imagined it? Have you thought about what that day looks and feels like? You know - The day when the reunion takes place, and the power of estrangement crumbles! Have you rehearsed it? The father in the story of the prodigal son did. Scripture tells us that The Father was looking for the return of his son. In Luke 15, verse 20, we see that the son “got up and went to his father - but while he was a still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him, and kissed him.”

The only way the father could have saw his son from a long way off, is if he was intentionally looking for the reunion! So I ask again - How have you imagined it? What have you rehearsed?

Have you rehearsed acceptance?

Have you rehearsed giving him or her a piece of your mind?

Have you envisioned an open heart and arms in a way that speaks to their IDENTITY?

The father had been wronged! He was pretty much told by the son that he wanted his inheritance, meaning he wished his father was dead! That’s pretty harsh! But notice that the father only acted in a way toward s his son, that spoke to his son’s need for identity. “Bring the best robe and put it on him. Bring a ring and put on his finger. Bring sandals for his feet! Let’s celebrate this homecoming!” ALL THESE THINGS SPEAK ABOUT IDENTITY, ACCEPTANCE, AND BELONGING! It’s what we all long for.

Scripture tells us to “Bless those who persecute us; Bless and Do Not Curse!” The father of this prodigal surely had a reason to feel harmed, and to hold his son at arms length. He could have scolded, he could have commented on the sure smell of swine coming from his son. (He had been tending hogs) He could have asked where all the money went. But he blessed his son instead!

As a parent or partaker in an estranged relationship, will you bless or curse the situation by the words you speak? What does scripture encourage us to say in times like this? 

It says, “Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Proverbs 15:4).  A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).  Kind words are like honey – sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.”  (Proverbs 16:24)

So! Go ahead and imagine it! Rehearse it! Envision it! Look beyond what you see with your physical eyes - Let compassion rise within you! Prepare your words - Prepare your heart, because God is doing a good thing in families!

What is Christian Based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Cognitive Behavior Therapy is based on the idea that how we think (cognition), how we feel (emotion) and how we act (behavior) all interact together. Specifically, our thoughts determine our feelings and our behavior. Therefore, negative and unrealistic thoughts can cause us distress and result in problems. 

CBT is an approach to counseling with statistics to verify its effectiveness and value. There are questions raised as to whether Christians should consider this approach to counseling. Many Christian counselors believe that CBT is very much in line with God’s word and that utilizing CBT techniques is successful in helping Christians recognize faulty core beliefs and negative patterns of thinking and processing. Christian counseling utilizing CBT even has advantages over a secular approach to CBT counseling.

According to Christian Psychologist, Dr. Mark R. McMinn, “There are at least two reasons why Christians are well suited for this method (of counseling).

First, cognitive therapy requires clients to compare their thoughts with truth to see if they are understanding reality accurately. This is challenging for agnostics, who have difficulty finding standards for truth. Christians believe truth is revealed in scripture, giving them a useful way to evaluate their thoughts.”

“The second reason this method is well suited to Christians is that they believe in God’s love - the only love that is purely unconditional. Many people, due to flawed relationships, find that their deepest fears stem from rejection, abandonment or lack of love. Treating these fears requires disputing their core beliefs. These beliefs can more easily be disputed by people who acknowledge God’s unconditional love. While those closest to us sometimes are the cause of these fears and beliefs, God’s love never results in rejection.”

With CBT, we visit past events in the lives of clients, but only to bring healing to events and traumatic experiences. We are encouraged by scripture to not live in the past or let the past dominate our lives. The Apostle Paul was perhaps the most persecuted of all Apostles. It was from a Roman prison cell that he wrote a letter to the believers at the church of Philippi. He was threatened with execution on a regular basis, and by the grace of God had survived severe torture and miserable circumstances. Somehow he found joy and strength to write these words of encouragement to his friends:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think on these things. (Phil. 4:8)

Paul endorsed a view about thoughts and feelings that coincides with two basic assumptions of cognitive therapy: Bad events do not require us to feel awful and that healthy thinking allows us to control our feelings. Events contribute to feelings, but they do not cause feelings. CBT believes that healthy, accurate thinking enables people to cope with life’s trials.

CBT coincides with Scripture in “taking every thought captive.”

2 Cor 10:5, The apostle Paul teaches us that we are to take every thought captive and make it submissive to Christ. We are instructed to submit our thoughts to Jesus Christ. In challenging our self-talk, we learn to speak truth against lies. We learn to question what thoughts are truthful, and what thoughts are lies regarding who we are and our identity, how we see the world around us, and how we think about situations. 

Renewing our mind is CBT

In Romans 12:2 we learn that we are transformed by renewing our minds. CBT describes how you can have a new perspective on the way you think, feel and behave by changing how you see events or situations. This can be done at any point in time, even reflecting upon past experiences. It is a quick tool to use by asking “Do I really believe this or not?” Renewing the mind is a major attribute of CBT.

These are positive examples of why CBT is a scriptural way to help Christians deal with many types of issues such as fear, stress, anxiety, self-image, as well as others.

Surviving Estrangement (With Your Sanity)! #5

Our journey as believers is one of faith.  Our journey as parents with estranged children is also of faith.  Our faith is not to be based on current circumstances, and not in what our natural senses dictate to us, but in a supernatural God who desires to participate in all areas of our lives.  The same God who performed all the miracles of the Bible, and changed the hearts of so many, wants to partner with us in hope and healing of our families.  Today I encourage you to trust that our "God of Miracles" is always working behind the scenes, working out details, and working on our behalf in everything, and every relationship that pertains to us.

PSALMS 90:16-17 (TPT)
“Let us see your miracles again, and let the rising generation see the glorious wonders you’re famous for. O Lord our God, let your sweet beauty rest upon us and give us favour. Come work with us, and then our works will endure, and give us success in all we do.”

Surviving Estrangement (With Your Sanity)! #4

It’s easy in family estrangement situations to become angry, hurt, and frustrated. It’s easy to point a finger in blame. In a perfect world we would avoid the pain of estrangement, but we live in a fallen world with broken humanistic systems and broken people. This combination can lead to feeling like family is the enemy. This is not the truth.

God teaches us that Our fight is not against human beings. It is against the rulers, the authorities and the powers of this dark world. It is against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly world. (Ephesians 6:12)

We can effectively pray for our estranged loved one. We have the authority to pray against the divisive spirit of darkness that desires to destroy our families.

I encourage you to stand firmly on God’s promises, like this one in Genesis 17:7. “I will establish my covenant as an everlasting covenant between me and you and your descendants after you for the generations to come, to be your God and the God of your descendants after you.

God wants to restore families!

Surviving Estrangement (with Your Sanity) ! #3

When facing estrangement from an adult child, we realize quickly that there’s no pain like “Kid pain”. No one can hurt us like our children can. One key to surviving with our sanity is surrender! God knows the pain we feel. When we surrender our children to God we can be sure that God is willing and able to do his work in their lives, (without our meddling) . Surrender them, and leave them with Him. This means surrender the desired outcome, surrender your motives, surrender your need to be right, surrender control, surrender your pain. Your children need a healthy YOU, when God brings them back!

God is a restoring God! Let Him do what he does best! Surrender and trust. Find rest for your soul!

Surviving Estrangement (With Your Sanity)! #2

God in all his wisdom and foreknowledge, looked ahead in time and knew that these days were

coming. He saw when a season of separation and heartache would tear the hearts of families. It was for this time, that the promise was given through the Prophet Malachi.

God spoke about a prophetic move regarding family restoration in Malachi chapter four, that would, “Turn the hearts of the parents to their children and the hearts of the children to their parents.”