Surviving Estrangement ( With your sanity)! #9 The Root of Bitterness!

When experiencing estrangement from a loved one, we feel a myriad of emotions. The internal trying to make sense of it, the mental roller coaster ride with its ups and downs, loops and jolts, can be wearisome.

Whether we are the estranger or the estranged, It’s important to guard our hearts against the root of bitterness. There’s a pretty good chance that resentment or bitterness has already played a big part in the scenario anyway.

Bitterness is more than just an emotional state that involves sadness, resentment and anger. It can evolve from feeling unappreciated, unloved, disrespected, insulted or injured.

There are consequences that bitterness has on our physical health that cannot be overlooked. It fuels our stress levels which in itself can lead to many other physical issues.

Research has proven that chronic bitterness can weaken our body’s ability to fight off infections and illnesses. I’m not one get sick often, so when I do, I make it a practice to ask myself if what I’m experiencing is associated with any unhealthy, negative feelings like resentment or bitterness. A persistent release of stress hormones suppresses our immune system’s proper functioning - so not only do we have an “open door” for infections and sicknesses, our bodies can’t recover as quickly when we do get sick.

Our bodies also become more susceptible to risks of high blood pressure, which in turn adds to the possibility of heart disease and stroke .

Digestive issues, sleep disorders, accelerated aging, and chronic muscle aches and pains are also some of the ways bitterness can affect our physical health.

We also need to look at the fact that there is the spiritual aspect of bitterness. Bitterness at its core is a self-protecting judgment that we make about someone else. It seems like Jesus may have spoken once or twice about not judging others.

Hebrews 12:15 instructs believers in this way. “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.”

This scripture offers us a solution to bitterness! It’s not just a command and warning against it.

Bitterness is subject to the grace of God. When we offer our bitterness to God, He provides a grace that empowers us to live above it. Grace is the power to be and the power to do what we can’t be and do in our own strength! God’s grace has many facets to it. Grace is the basis of our salvation. Grace is also the enabling power to fulfill the will of God, as well as strength for obeying his word. In many instances of estrangement, bitterness is the root, that has empowered the problem, by both the estranger and the estranged!

Bitterness is also BLIND! It keeps us searching in the wrong direction, and only leads to deception.

According to the above mentioned scripture, the root of bitterness causes trouble, and defiles us.

Listen, I get it - estrangement is painful! Bitterness only adds to the pain, and increases chances of more pain, physically and spiritually. There is a grace that helps us to forgive. There is a grace that brings health and healing to our hearts and souls.

What is our response to God’s ability going to be? Will we release the bitterness. It’s at the root of many negative consequences we may be facing. It’s at the root of trouble in our lives. Let’s not fail to obtain the grace to forgive and move forward beyond the bitterness.

Surviving Estrangement (With Your Sanity)! #8 Your Overall Health Requires These!

Estrangement has some powerfully negative affects on all parties involved, but especially when the separation is between an adult children and a parent. More families than ever before are experiencing this epidemic of divided families.

Family estrangement can be shattering to the identity (sense of self) of the one who has been cut off from their family member. One of the most accurate explanations that I’ve heard is summed up this way. “Estrangement creates a uniquely devastating form of grief in which an estranged family member often mourns the living.”

Not only does it cause one or more family members to grieve, it creates issues of mistrust, lack of purpose, feelings of isolation - even from other healthy relationships, self esteem problems, rumination, unhealthy eating and sleeping habits, and the list goes on!

Taking good care of your physical and mental health is critically important during a period of estrangement. Being INTENTIONAL in a few things can go a long way in surviving estrangement.

1. Catch the ruminating thoughts and change them. It’s easy to stay focussed on our pain. It’s natural to ruminate on the negative circumstances of broken relationships. Scripture tells us in the book of Philippians, the fourth chapter, verses eight and nine, to be intentional with our thoughts. The Apostle Paul writes, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

2. Partner with someone else for accountability, encouragement and prayer. This could be a friend or neighbor. It could be someone from your church or organization. It could be someone who has the same problems you have, or someone with different circumstances. This doesn’t mean that the other person does all the helping though. Studies show that when we give of ourselves, ( in spite of our own needs), we actually benefit in many ways from helping others. It’s the principle of seed faith. It’s sowing and reaping, giving and receiving! Purpose takes place when we touch the lives of others in a positive way. Purpose actually Is touching the lives of others in a positive way! A sense of purpose can restore our own souls. It gets our eyes on the more complete picture of our lives. It gives us faith that as we help others in need, God sees our seeds of love and kindness and will cause the reciprocal action to be reaped in our lives, as well as the lives of our estranged loved one. Doing for others when we need something ourselves - This is the Golden Rule lived out!

   As partners, regularly encourage healthy eating and sleeping habits. Listen with a compassionate ear, and pray with and for each other.

3. Invite God into your situation! God may not have caused the issues or the pain, but he wants to be a part of helping you in your journey. The scripture stated above ends with this promise - “The God of Peace will be with you!” I will take the peace of God in my life any day! But this promise is about his presence, as the God of peace. The instructional part of the verse is about intentional thought and doing what we know to be right. The promise part of the scripture is that He will be with us.

   My prayer for you -

   Father, we come to you in prayer, needing help. We need your strength, wisdom and guidance. We need your healing in our families. Forgive us in the areas we have failed. We choose to forgive others who have hurt us. We invite you into our situations. We invite you into our pain. We surrender our loved ones, our relationships, our hearts, our failures, and our pain to you - our source of life! Holy Spirit lead me and my loved ones into your truth. We receive your strength for the journey, and your healing in our lives. In Jesus’ name, Amen!

Surviving Estrangement (With Your Sanity)! #7 Parental Shame

There’s an added weight that parents with estranged adult children deal with. On top of the persistent, self doubting questions, the pain and silence that accompanies birthdays, holidays, and everyday life, there is a private sense of shame that many parents deal with. After all, how do you explain to friends and family, who haven’t experienced estrangement, the what’s and why’s of what you don’t completely understand yourself?

It’s common for parents of estranged adult children to question everything about their own parenting abilities, their identity, their worth and many other things. This shame is not as focussed on the guilt of mistakes, as much as it is an attack on who we are as human beings. It’s an unhealthy label that attempts to define us as failures, and relegate us to hopelessness.

While estrangement has been around since the days of Cain and Able, it has had an incredible spike in the last decade or so.

Nearly 1 in 3 families deal with, (effectively or ineffectively) estrangement, and many of these include estrangement between parents and their children. It’s a gaping wound within our culture. I include this growing statistic to let you know that if you are estranged from your child, you are not alone in this struggle. It’s everywhere!

I’m confident that none of us were perfect parents. I’m confident that most of us did the best we could do, but also that we have grown and matured along the way. I’m most confident that God wants to be the central part of healing this divide in our families.

In the Biblical story of the prodigal son, there was no indication that the father had given his son a reason to ask for his inheritance, (Which is the same a saying, I wish you were dead) and then leave. The reasons for the sons actions were held within the son’s interpretations and filters of his own soul and life. Accept that not everything your child does is about your failures as a parent.

I’m not insinuating that one hundred percent of estrangement situations are unjustified. But I would wager my life that most are uncalled for and unnecessary.

Shame will never lead you in a positive direction. If you have made mistakes as a parent, repent and move forward, without the sense of shame. Move forward in hope, move forward in faith, move forward knowing God wants to play a part in healing your relationships.

God has provided a way for us to live without shame. It’s part of our redemption. It’s part of our relationship with Christ. As our redeemer, he offers us a release from shame. Scripture teaches us that, “Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like flint, (on God) and I know I will not be put to shame.” (Isaiah 50:7) And “Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; NO SHADOW OF SHAME WILL DARKEN THEIR FACES!” (Psalms 34:5)

If you struggle with shame as a parent, or feel shame in any other area of your life, God wants you to be free you from this dread.

God desires restoration. He doesn’t want to restore “what was”. He wants to restore and renew to a healthy relationship. He forgives when we repent. Perhaps it’s time to forgive yourself and be free from the parental shame of estrangement.

For more help in Surviving Estrangement, my contact information is provided on the contact page of this sight!

What destination will your next step lead you to?

Surviving Estrangement (with your sanity)! #6 Have You Imagined That Day?

Have you imagined it? Have you thought about what that day looks and feels like? You know - The day when the reunion takes place, and the power of estrangement crumbles! Have you rehearsed it? The father in the story of the prodigal son did. Scripture tells us that The Father was looking for the return of his son. In Luke 15, verse 20, we see that the son “got up and went to his father - but while he was a still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him, and kissed him.”

The only way the father could have saw his son from a long way off, is if he was intentionally looking for the reunion! So I ask again - How have you imagined it? What have you rehearsed?

Have you rehearsed acceptance?

Have you rehearsed giving him or her a piece of your mind?

Have you envisioned an open heart and arms in a way that speaks to their IDENTITY?

The father had been wronged! He was pretty much told by the son that he wanted his inheritance, meaning he wished his father was dead! That’s pretty harsh! But notice that the father only acted in a way toward s his son, that spoke to his son’s need for identity. “Bring the best robe and put it on him. Bring a ring and put on his finger. Bring sandals for his feet! Let’s celebrate this homecoming!” ALL THESE THINGS SPEAK ABOUT IDENTITY, ACCEPTANCE, AND BELONGING! It’s what we all long for.

Scripture tells us to “Bless those who persecute us; Bless and Do Not Curse!” The father of this prodigal surely had a reason to feel harmed, and to hold his son at arms length. He could have scolded, he could have commented on the sure smell of swine coming from his son. (He had been tending hogs) He could have asked where all the money went. But he blessed his son instead!

As a parent or partaker in an estranged relationship, will you bless or curse the situation by the words you speak? What does scripture encourage us to say in times like this? 

It says, “Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Proverbs 15:4).  A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).  Kind words are like honey – sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.”  (Proverbs 16:24)

So! Go ahead and imagine it! Rehearse it! Envision it! Look beyond what you see with your physical eyes - Let compassion rise within you! Prepare your words - Prepare your heart, because God is doing a good thing in families!

Surviving Estrangement (With Your Sanity)! #5

Our journey as believers is one of faith.  Our journey as parents with estranged children is also of faith.  Our faith is not to be based on current circumstances, and not in what our natural senses dictate to us, but in a supernatural God who desires to participate in all areas of our lives.  The same God who performed all the miracles of the Bible, and changed the hearts of so many, wants to partner with us in hope and healing of our families.  Today I encourage you to trust that our "God of Miracles" is always working behind the scenes, working out details, and working on our behalf in everything, and every relationship that pertains to us.

PSALMS 90:16-17 (TPT)
“Let us see your miracles again, and let the rising generation see the glorious wonders you’re famous for. O Lord our God, let your sweet beauty rest upon us and give us favour. Come work with us, and then our works will endure, and give us success in all we do.”

Surviving Estrangement (With Your Sanity)! #4

It’s easy in family estrangement situations to become angry, hurt, and frustrated. It’s easy to point a finger in blame. In a perfect world we would avoid the pain of estrangement, but we live in a fallen world with broken humanistic systems and broken people. This combination can lead to feeling like family is the enemy. This is not the truth.

God teaches us that Our fight is not against human beings. It is against the rulers, the authorities and the powers of this dark world. It is against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly world. (Ephesians 6:12)

We can effectively pray for our estranged loved one. We have the authority to pray against the divisive spirit of darkness that desires to destroy our families.

I encourage you to stand firmly on God’s promises, like this one in Genesis 17:7. “I will establish my covenant as an everlasting covenant between me and you and your descendants after you for the generations to come, to be your God and the God of your descendants after you.”

God wants to restore families!