Inside out!

The mistakes I’ve made that hurt people.
The opportunities that I did not follow through on.
The feelings of not belonging.
That critical inner voice that compared myself to others.
The replayed, diminishing words of family members and ill-equipped leaders.
These were all signs of an unhealthy sense of Identity.

The truest you is not found in your failures, feelings, others opinions or your circumstances of lack.

One can have a positive sense of self and still not have a healthy sense of self. The truest, healthiest you is rooted in God's opinion of you. ESPECIALLY in the verses that include the phrases, In Christ, By Christ, Through Christ, With Christ.
Why? These verses represent how God Our Father sees us. Father knows best!

We all live out of the beliefs of our hearts, particularly the beliefs about self. Changing those unhealthy beliefs to healthy beliefs, changes our behaviors and lives!

Thankfully, God is all about transformation! He does it from the inside out!

If you can relate to this post and need help establishing your healthiest self, Call for an appointment today. 941-539-7972

Listen to Yourself!

If you take the time to listen, you will hear a lot of things being said about you today. Some of these words will be encouraging and uplifting - some will not be! Some things we will hear may come from external sources. Someone will have an opinion of you and the things you do. More importantly, you will hear yourself speak to yourself, about yourself.

We all have enemies of our souls. I’m convinced that our biggest enemy is not the devil. After all, he is not eternal, he is not all knowing, or all powerful, and he can’t be everywhere at once.

Our biggest enemy is not our past, it’s not our race, or our current economic status. It is not our lack of education, our childhood dysfunctional home life, or lack of opportunity.

While these things can have an affect on us, they are only part of a story that makes up a bigger story that translates into our IDENTITY!

All of us have things written upon our hearts. It’s the things we have believed about ourselves that we live out daily!

Proverbs instructs us to “Guard our hearts, (the seat of our identity) with all diligence, because everything we do flows from it!” This scripture actually has nothing to do with guarding our hearts against other people, but being cautious with the information we perceive as the truth, predominantly about ourselves.

Our biggest enemy is the lie we believe about ourselves. We live what we have interpreted to be the truth about ourselves, even if it’s not truthful.

We are our best, most purposeful self when we see ourselves as God sees us!

So, have you listened to yourself - to the words and thoughts you tell yourself about yourself? You may repeatedly use a few choice words when describing yourself. Listen… Pay attention to the questions you ask yourself about yourself. Like, “Why do I always…?” or “Why am I so…? Do the things you believe about yourself align with the things God says and thinks about you?

Identity is everything! Renewing our minds to God’s word is the beginning of transformation! (Romans 12:1-2)

Today, listen to yourself - begin to catch, challenge and change your thoughts, you have and believe about yourself.

Surviving Estrangement (With Your Sanity)! #8 Your Overall Health Requires These!

Estrangement has some powerfully negative affects on all parties involved, but especially when the separation is between an adult children and a parent. More families than ever before are experiencing this epidemic of divided families.

Family estrangement can be shattering to the identity (sense of self) of the one who has been cut off from their family member. One of the most accurate explanations that I’ve heard is summed up this way. “Estrangement creates a uniquely devastating form of grief in which an estranged family member often mourns the living.”

Not only does it cause one or more family members to grieve, it creates issues of mistrust, lack of purpose, feelings of isolation - even from other healthy relationships, self esteem problems, rumination, unhealthy eating and sleeping habits, and the list goes on!

Taking good care of your physical and mental health is critically important during a period of estrangement. Being INTENTIONAL in a few things can go a long way in surviving estrangement.

1. Catch the ruminating thoughts and change them. It’s easy to stay focussed on our pain. It’s natural to ruminate on the negative circumstances of broken relationships. Scripture tells us in the book of Philippians, the fourth chapter, verses eight and nine, to be intentional with our thoughts. The Apostle Paul writes, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

2. Partner with someone else for accountability, encouragement and prayer. This could be a friend or neighbor. It could be someone from your church or organization. It could be someone who has the same problems you have, or someone with different circumstances. This doesn’t mean that the other person does all the helping though. Studies show that when we give of ourselves, ( in spite of our own needs), we actually benefit in many ways from helping others. It’s the principle of seed faith. It’s sowing and reaping, giving and receiving! Purpose takes place when we touch the lives of others in a positive way. Purpose actually Is touching the lives of others in a positive way! A sense of purpose can restore our own souls. It gets our eyes on the more complete picture of our lives. It gives us faith that as we help others in need, God sees our seeds of love and kindness and will cause the reciprocal action to be reaped in our lives, as well as the lives of our estranged loved one. Doing for others when we need something ourselves - This is the Golden Rule lived out!

   As partners, regularly encourage healthy eating and sleeping habits. Listen with a compassionate ear, and pray with and for each other.

3. Invite God into your situation! God may not have caused the issues or the pain, but he wants to be a part of helping you in your journey. The scripture stated above ends with this promise - “The God of Peace will be with you!” I will take the peace of God in my life any day! But this promise is about his presence, as the God of peace. The instructional part of the verse is about intentional thought and doing what we know to be right. The promise part of the scripture is that He will be with us.

   My prayer for you -

   Father, we come to you in prayer, needing help. We need your strength, wisdom and guidance. We need your healing in our families. Forgive us in the areas we have failed. We choose to forgive others who have hurt us. We invite you into our situations. We invite you into our pain. We surrender our loved ones, our relationships, our hearts, our failures, and our pain to you - our source of life! Holy Spirit lead me and my loved ones into your truth. We receive your strength for the journey, and your healing in our lives. In Jesus’ name, Amen!

What is Christian Based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Cognitive Behavior Therapy is based on the idea that how we think (cognition), how we feel (emotion) and how we act (behavior) all interact together. Specifically, our thoughts determine our feelings and our behavior. Therefore, negative and unrealistic thoughts can cause us distress and result in problems. 

CBT is an approach to counseling with statistics to verify its effectiveness and value. There are questions raised as to whether Christians should consider this approach to counseling. Many Christian counselors believe that CBT is very much in line with God’s word and that utilizing CBT techniques is successful in helping Christians recognize faulty core beliefs and negative patterns of thinking and processing. Christian counseling utilizing CBT even has advantages over a secular approach to CBT counseling.

According to Christian Psychologist, Dr. Mark R. McMinn, “There are at least two reasons why Christians are well suited for this method (of counseling).

First, cognitive therapy requires clients to compare their thoughts with truth to see if they are understanding reality accurately. This is challenging for agnostics, who have difficulty finding standards for truth. Christians believe truth is revealed in scripture, giving them a useful way to evaluate their thoughts.”

“The second reason this method is well suited to Christians is that they believe in God’s love - the only love that is purely unconditional. Many people, due to flawed relationships, find that their deepest fears stem from rejection, abandonment or lack of love. Treating these fears requires disputing their core beliefs. These beliefs can more easily be disputed by people who acknowledge God’s unconditional love. While those closest to us sometimes are the cause of these fears and beliefs, God’s love never results in rejection.”

With CBT, we visit past events in the lives of clients, but only to bring healing to events and traumatic experiences. We are encouraged by scripture to not live in the past or let the past dominate our lives. The Apostle Paul was perhaps the most persecuted of all Apostles. It was from a Roman prison cell that he wrote a letter to the believers at the church of Philippi. He was threatened with execution on a regular basis, and by the grace of God had survived severe torture and miserable circumstances. Somehow he found joy and strength to write these words of encouragement to his friends:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think on these things. (Phil. 4:8)

Paul endorsed a view about thoughts and feelings that coincides with two basic assumptions of cognitive therapy: Bad events do not require us to feel awful and that healthy thinking allows us to control our feelings. Events contribute to feelings, but they do not cause feelings. CBT believes that healthy, accurate thinking enables people to cope with life’s trials.

CBT coincides with Scripture in “taking every thought captive.”

2 Cor 10:5, The apostle Paul teaches us that we are to take every thought captive and make it submissive to Christ. We are instructed to submit our thoughts to Jesus Christ. In challenging our self-talk, we learn to speak truth against lies. We learn to question what thoughts are truthful, and what thoughts are lies regarding who we are and our identity, how we see the world around us, and how we think about situations. 

Renewing our mind is CBT

In Romans 12:2 we learn that we are transformed by renewing our minds. CBT describes how you can have a new perspective on the way you think, feel and behave by changing how you see events or situations. This can be done at any point in time, even reflecting upon past experiences. It is a quick tool to use by asking “Do I really believe this or not?” Renewing the mind is a major attribute of CBT.

These are positive examples of why CBT is a scriptural way to help Christians deal with many types of issues such as fear, stress, anxiety, self-image, as well as others.

Groundhog Day Mindset!

I know that there are many of you who remember the movie Groundhog Day.  In this 1993 film, (yes, I’m Old!) the main character, Phil Connors, played by Bill Murray finds himself reliving Groundhog Day over and over again.  He stays trapped in this cycle that causes him to relive the same day for what many who have seen the movie, believe to be years.  To make a long movie short, (101 minutes) the character finally finds a way out of his predicament.  The way out of his circumstances was brought by transformation.  When he changed he was released from this cycle! (plus he won the heart of the girl)!

Many of us live in a Groundhog Day scenario by getting stuck in our thoughts and negativity.  The things we hope changes don’t, mainly because we think too much of the same negative way over and over again! According to the National Science Foundation, 80% of people’s thoughts are negative, and 95% of those thoughts are repetitive.  These are thoughts people struggle with, and will continue to struggle with, putting them in a cycle of living with the same results over and over again. What they experienced yesterday, they will experience tomorrow!

People tell me in counseling sessions, on a perpetual basis, “I can’t help what I think about, the thoughts are just there in my head! I can’t do anything about them. They seem to control how I feel and what I do!”

While I understand how natural it is to experience those negative, gloomy thoughts, it’s important to understand that we can do something with them and about them. We do have the ability to arrest and overcome disabling thought patterns that bombard our minds and control our lives. Whether we deal with thoughts of hopelessness, depression, despair, shame, or fear.  Or if the mental struggles are regarding lack or scarcity mindset or even seemingly uncontrollable thoughts of a lascivious nature, we have the power within us to change those thought patterns that lead our lives to an unhealthy place. Thoughts do lead to feelings, attitudes, choices, and actions. Looking back on our lives weI have to admit that a lot of the actions we took were due to unhealthy thoughts we had regarding something, someone or ourselves.

There are a few ways of thinking that I want to address briefly.  Simply being aware of our negative patterns, can be helpful to make the changes that we need to make. Transformation is possible!  Change is possible!

One pattern of haunting mindsets, involves thoughts regarding finality. These are thoughts that deal with only seeing an unchangeable conclusion to some thing or area of our lives. Those thoughts that tell us, “This (I / he / she / it) will ALWAYS be this way! Or circumstances will NEVER be any other way!” This mindset robs us hope for the future and reinforces anxiety, fear, and heartache.

Nearly all limiting ways of thinking have to do with perception. Choosing to see only a part of the picture of our circumstances is harmful. What’s even more harmful is not seeing that all thoughts we have are not necessarily the truth, just because we think them! Many people choose to focus on the negative, even when there are other positive parts to a story or situation. I’ve had a sign over my chair in my office for several years that says this. “Don’t allow the presence of the part to determine the perception of the whole.” Often our sight and thoughts are focused on a particular blemish instead of the benefit or the positive within a scenario. This is evident in relationships when a person is focused on a negative trait of their partner, while disregarding the many good qualities of that person. The same holds true in scenarios like jobs, churches, or group memberships, etc.

Rumination is a word I used to dislike, but I find myself using it quite often! It’s the chronic, repetitive thinking on the negative, causing feelings of dread. King David made this statement in the Bible, in the book of Psalms, chapter 19, verse 14. “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation (rumination) of my heart be pleasing to you oh God.” David wasn’t referring to intentionally sitting down in a quiet place to meditate on something he wanted to manifest.  That kind of meditation can be helpful, but he was referring to his automatic, subconscious thoughts that flowed from the beliefs of his heart. The beliefs of our heart are what we live out of. They guide our lives! If we want to change our behavior, we must change our thoughts and beliefs. Many of us have tried behavior modification to bring some kind of change, but we know what a chore that can be. It’s only when we change our deepest-seated beliefs that our behavior changes automatically.

Some of us are guilty of catastrophizing. This is when we fixate on the worst possible scenario or outcome. It is such a challenging way of thinking. It’s having faith in the negative. It’s a way of manifesting what we fear. The Old Testament character Job made this statement after experiencing a major loss in his life - “The thing I feared most has come upon me.” The story of Job is one of the most “head scratching-est” (my own made up word) stories in the bible. I’m not saying that everything bad that happens is due to our own fears! But I am saying, our fears are an expectation of what we think about with dread.   There’s a good reason why the Bible has 365 scriptures instructing us to not be afraid.  If God tells us to not be afraid, we must be able to not be afraid!  Does this statement I made sound liberating or confusing?  Or something else?  Is it possible to live without fear, stress, and anxiety?  Yes, thank God it is!

Unforgiveness, resentment and regret are also things that keep us from living our best lives. They are each a chain that locks us to the past. They hinder us from moving forward into a healthier life, and from the vision that God has for us. While resentment has to do with our judgment towards others, regret has to do with judgment towards ourselves, and unforgiveness has to do with judgment towards either of the two. Judgment is an expected penalty or sentence passed on someone. When we judge others, our judgment towards others comes back to us like a boom-a-rang. When it does, it seems to ask us this question - what does this (scenario or situation regarding another person who I’m judging) say about me? We typically answer that question in the wrong way, and create a feeling of insignificance and lack about ourselves. Or, we apply too much significance to ourselves that blinds us from seeing the complete truth. Jesus said, “For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged; and with the same measure you use, it will be measured to you.” While a few translations insert God into this verse, it’s really not referring to God judging us - it’s referring to judgment of our own heart bringing judgment to ourselves. This judgment creates questions regarding our own sense of significance, which in turn creates a negativity regarding our identity. Our heart is the seat of our identity, and we live our lives out of these beliefs of our heart.

So, what’s a person to do about these and other negative mindsets? We begin with accepting responsibility for our thought life. Our thoughts come from three sources. We are intelligent beings who are able to generate our own thoughts. We also receive thoughts from the kingdom of light. God speaks to us and leads us, as is indicated many times in scripture. We are also susceptible to receiving thoughts from the kingdom of darkness. These are the thoughts that can bring a sense of gloom and doom, envy, anxiety, dread and many other things that lead to negative or shamefull feelings. Every thought that we have, has the potential to lead to a feeling, and eventually an attitude, a decision, and an action. Have you ever done something and looked at the results and said, “What the heck was I thinking?” It was generally the thoughts we accepted from the kingdom of darkness that created that slide down the slippery slope!

God’s word is a powerful and active force in our lives. However, to the degree that we believe it, is the degree that it works in our lives.  Ephesians 3:20 reminds us that, “God is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that is at work in us!”  God’s power works according to the level that we agree with Him!  If we believe that we have God’s help and power to catch, challenge, and change our thoughts, then we will do so. If we don’t believe it, we won’t. We are instructed to arrest and take captive the thoughts of darkness that we are presented with. Just because a thought comes to us, doesn't mean we have to dwell on it. We are informed in scripture to die to the flesh, (our fleshly nature).  The Apostle Paul wrote that how he lives free from the flesh is in accordance with how he MINDS (thinks about) the things of the flesh. Sometimes, all it takes is a thought or two to breathe life into that old Adamic nature. Romans chapter twelve instructs us to not be conformed to this world but transformed by the renewing of our minds. This is not talking about scripture memorization. While that’s important, this verse is telling us to renew the way we process thoughts. The mind is part of the soul, which is the combination our mind, will and emotions. This has to do with the way we think, choose, and feel. It all works together. Clearly, God has given us the responsibility as well as the power to control our thought life, which in turn affects the fruit we bear and actions we take. That’s transformation!

When we struggle with anxiety or stress, we can remember that scripture tells us in Isaiah 26:3 “I will keep you in perfect peace, if your minds (imagination) is stayed on me.”  God wants us to trust him in trying times.  Thinking on His promises and speaking His promises help us to transform our lives!

There are promises from God in His word that gives us hope and victory in every situation of life, even Groundhog Day thinking!  We must take responsibility for our thought life.  We can stop the torturing thoughts that run rampant in our lives!  Getting out of these cycles requires discipline, but this work brings transformation with it. With His grace we overcome!

For more personal help or counseling with this topic, please contact me through the information provided on my website, www.ascendchristiancounseling.com

I’d love to help you on your journey, and help you in creating a new way of thinking, believing, and experiencing God’s truth for your life.

Be well!

 Michael