Inside out!

The mistakes I’ve made that hurt people.
The opportunities that I did not follow through on.
The feelings of not belonging.
That critical inner voice that compared myself to others.
The replayed, diminishing words of family members and ill-equipped leaders.
These were all signs of an unhealthy sense of Identity.

The truest you is not found in your failures, feelings, others opinions or your circumstances of lack.

One can have a positive sense of self and still not have a healthy sense of self. The truest, healthiest you is rooted in God's opinion of you. ESPECIALLY in the verses that include the phrases, In Christ, By Christ, Through Christ, With Christ.
Why? These verses represent how God Our Father sees us. Father knows best!

We all live out of the beliefs of our hearts, particularly the beliefs about self. Changing those unhealthy beliefs to healthy beliefs, changes our behaviors and lives!

Thankfully, God is all about transformation! He does it from the inside out!

If you can relate to this post and need help establishing your healthiest self, Call for an appointment today. 941-539-7972

Listen to Yourself!

If you take the time to listen, you will hear a lot of things being said about you today. Some of these words will be encouraging and uplifting - some will not be! Some things we will hear may come from external sources. Someone will have an opinion of you and the things you do. More importantly, you will hear yourself speak to yourself, about yourself.

We all have enemies of our souls. I’m convinced that our biggest enemy is not the devil. After all, he is not eternal, he is not all knowing, or all powerful, and he can’t be everywhere at once.

Our biggest enemy is not our past, it’s not our race, or our current economic status. It is not our lack of education, our childhood dysfunctional home life, or lack of opportunity.

While these things can have an affect on us, they are only part of a story that makes up a bigger story that translates into our IDENTITY!

All of us have things written upon our hearts. It’s the things we have believed about ourselves that we live out daily!

Proverbs instructs us to “Guard our hearts, (the seat of our identity) with all diligence, because everything we do flows from it!” This scripture actually has nothing to do with guarding our hearts against other people, but being cautious with the information we perceive as the truth, predominantly about ourselves.

Our biggest enemy is the lie we believe about ourselves. We live what we have interpreted to be the truth about ourselves, even if it’s not truthful.

We are our best, most purposeful self when we see ourselves as God sees us!

So, have you listened to yourself - to the words and thoughts you tell yourself about yourself? You may repeatedly use a few choice words when describing yourself. Listen… Pay attention to the questions you ask yourself about yourself. Like, “Why do I always…?” or “Why am I so…? Do the things you believe about yourself align with the things God says and thinks about you?

Identity is everything! Renewing our minds to God’s word is the beginning of transformation! (Romans 12:1-2)

Today, listen to yourself - begin to catch, challenge and change your thoughts, you have and believe about yourself.

It's Automatic!

So many times we try modifying our behavior, believing that changing our actions will somehow change us. As noble as that might seem, transformation takes place from the inside out.

Each of us have things written on our hearts. These things become the truth we live out. Some of those things are good and healthy, while some things are debilitating and unhealthy.

These truths are written by experiences and events from our past. They are planted in us by the words of others and the things we tell ourselves about ourselves.

Even if something does not line up with God’s truth about us, but we believe it, it becomes our life’s guide. We only live, behave, function from what our heart perceives as our truth.

Perhaps that’s why Proverbs 4:23, teaches us, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

If you’re looking for transformation in your life, let’s start by looking at changing your perceived truth about yourself! Change then becomes automatic. Your truth determines how you see yourself fitting, functioning, and flourishing in the world around you. It’s your sense of identity - Identity is everything!

What destination, what outcome, what results will your next step lead you to?

Surviving Estrangement (With Your Sanity)! #7 Parental Shame

There’s an added weight that parents with estranged adult children deal with. On top of the persistent, self doubting questions, the pain and silence that accompanies birthdays, holidays, and everyday life, there is a private sense of shame that many parents deal with. After all, how do you explain to friends and family, who haven’t experienced estrangement, the what’s and why’s of what you don’t completely understand yourself?

It’s common for parents of estranged adult children to question everything about their own parenting abilities, their identity, their worth and many other things. This shame is not as focussed on the guilt of mistakes, as much as it is an attack on who we are as human beings. It’s an unhealthy label that attempts to define us as failures, and relegate us to hopelessness.

While estrangement has been around since the days of Cain and Able, it has had an incredible spike in the last decade or so.

Nearly 1 in 3 families deal with, (effectively or ineffectively) estrangement, and many of these include estrangement between parents and their children. It’s a gaping wound within our culture. I include this growing statistic to let you know that if you are estranged from your child, you are not alone in this struggle. It’s everywhere!

I’m confident that none of us were perfect parents. I’m confident that most of us did the best we could do, but also that we have grown and matured along the way. I’m most confident that God wants to be the central part of healing this divide in our families.

In the Biblical story of the prodigal son, there was no indication that the father had given his son a reason to ask for his inheritance, (Which is the same a saying, I wish you were dead) and then leave. The reasons for the sons actions were held within the son’s interpretations and filters of his own soul and life. Accept that not everything your child does is about your failures as a parent.

I’m not insinuating that one hundred percent of estrangement situations are unjustified. But I would wager my life that most are uncalled for and unnecessary.

Shame will never lead you in a positive direction. If you have made mistakes as a parent, repent and move forward, without the sense of shame. Move forward in hope, move forward in faith, move forward knowing God wants to play a part in healing your relationships.

God has provided a way for us to live without shame. It’s part of our redemption. It’s part of our relationship with Christ. As our redeemer, he offers us a release from shame. Scripture teaches us that, “Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like flint, (on God) and I know I will not be put to shame.” (Isaiah 50:7) And “Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; NO SHADOW OF SHAME WILL DARKEN THEIR FACES!” (Psalms 34:5)

If you struggle with shame as a parent, or feel shame in any other area of your life, God wants you to be free you from this dread.

God desires restoration. He doesn’t want to restore “what was”. He wants to restore and renew to a healthy relationship. He forgives when we repent. Perhaps it’s time to forgive yourself and be free from the parental shame of estrangement.

For more help in Surviving Estrangement, my contact information is provided on the contact page of this sight!

What destination will your next step lead you to?

Surviving Estrangement (with your sanity)! #6 Have You Imagined That Day?

Have you imagined it? Have you thought about what that day looks and feels like? You know - The day when the reunion takes place, and the power of estrangement crumbles! Have you rehearsed it? The father in the story of the prodigal son did. Scripture tells us that The Father was looking for the return of his son. In Luke 15, verse 20, we see that the son “got up and went to his father - but while he was a still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him, and kissed him.”

The only way the father could have saw his son from a long way off, is if he was intentionally looking for the reunion! So I ask again - How have you imagined it? What have you rehearsed?

Have you rehearsed acceptance?

Have you rehearsed giving him or her a piece of your mind?

Have you envisioned an open heart and arms in a way that speaks to their IDENTITY?

The father had been wronged! He was pretty much told by the son that he wanted his inheritance, meaning he wished his father was dead! That’s pretty harsh! But notice that the father only acted in a way toward s his son, that spoke to his son’s need for identity. “Bring the best robe and put it on him. Bring a ring and put on his finger. Bring sandals for his feet! Let’s celebrate this homecoming!” ALL THESE THINGS SPEAK ABOUT IDENTITY, ACCEPTANCE, AND BELONGING! It’s what we all long for.

Scripture tells us to “Bless those who persecute us; Bless and Do Not Curse!” The father of this prodigal surely had a reason to feel harmed, and to hold his son at arms length. He could have scolded, he could have commented on the sure smell of swine coming from his son. (He had been tending hogs) He could have asked where all the money went. But he blessed his son instead!

As a parent or partaker in an estranged relationship, will you bless or curse the situation by the words you speak? What does scripture encourage us to say in times like this? 

It says, “Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Proverbs 15:4).  A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).  Kind words are like honey – sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.”  (Proverbs 16:24)

So! Go ahead and imagine it! Rehearse it! Envision it! Look beyond what you see with your physical eyes - Let compassion rise within you! Prepare your words - Prepare your heart, because God is doing a good thing in families!

What is Christian Based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Cognitive Behavior Therapy is based on the idea that how we think (cognition), how we feel (emotion) and how we act (behavior) all interact together. Specifically, our thoughts determine our feelings and our behavior. Therefore, negative and unrealistic thoughts can cause us distress and result in problems. 

CBT is an approach to counseling with statistics to verify its effectiveness and value. There are questions raised as to whether Christians should consider this approach to counseling. Many Christian counselors believe that CBT is very much in line with God’s word and that utilizing CBT techniques is successful in helping Christians recognize faulty core beliefs and negative patterns of thinking and processing. Christian counseling utilizing CBT even has advantages over a secular approach to CBT counseling.

According to Christian Psychologist, Dr. Mark R. McMinn, “There are at least two reasons why Christians are well suited for this method (of counseling).

First, cognitive therapy requires clients to compare their thoughts with truth to see if they are understanding reality accurately. This is challenging for agnostics, who have difficulty finding standards for truth. Christians believe truth is revealed in scripture, giving them a useful way to evaluate their thoughts.”

“The second reason this method is well suited to Christians is that they believe in God’s love - the only love that is purely unconditional. Many people, due to flawed relationships, find that their deepest fears stem from rejection, abandonment or lack of love. Treating these fears requires disputing their core beliefs. These beliefs can more easily be disputed by people who acknowledge God’s unconditional love. While those closest to us sometimes are the cause of these fears and beliefs, God’s love never results in rejection.”

With CBT, we visit past events in the lives of clients, but only to bring healing to events and traumatic experiences. We are encouraged by scripture to not live in the past or let the past dominate our lives. The Apostle Paul was perhaps the most persecuted of all Apostles. It was from a Roman prison cell that he wrote a letter to the believers at the church of Philippi. He was threatened with execution on a regular basis, and by the grace of God had survived severe torture and miserable circumstances. Somehow he found joy and strength to write these words of encouragement to his friends:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think on these things. (Phil. 4:8)

Paul endorsed a view about thoughts and feelings that coincides with two basic assumptions of cognitive therapy: Bad events do not require us to feel awful and that healthy thinking allows us to control our feelings. Events contribute to feelings, but they do not cause feelings. CBT believes that healthy, accurate thinking enables people to cope with life’s trials.

CBT coincides with Scripture in “taking every thought captive.”

2 Cor 10:5, The apostle Paul teaches us that we are to take every thought captive and make it submissive to Christ. We are instructed to submit our thoughts to Jesus Christ. In challenging our self-talk, we learn to speak truth against lies. We learn to question what thoughts are truthful, and what thoughts are lies regarding who we are and our identity, how we see the world around us, and how we think about situations. 

Renewing our mind is CBT

In Romans 12:2 we learn that we are transformed by renewing our minds. CBT describes how you can have a new perspective on the way you think, feel and behave by changing how you see events or situations. This can be done at any point in time, even reflecting upon past experiences. It is a quick tool to use by asking “Do I really believe this or not?” Renewing the mind is a major attribute of CBT.

These are positive examples of why CBT is a scriptural way to help Christians deal with many types of issues such as fear, stress, anxiety, self-image, as well as others.

Two Stories

We are destined to live our lives by one of two stories.   Each of these two stories lead to how we feel, interpret, decide and act throughout our lives.  Both stories have equal power to determine our future.  Both stories are based upon what and how we think.

The first story is the story that God tells us about us.  It’s a story of unconditional love and acceptance through Christ.  This uncommon love, found in the Hebrew word “Hesed’” is the kind of love that refuses not to love, in spite of life’s report cards or performances.  This story includes His willingness to send His son to die for us so that He could be our substitute, pay sin’s penalty for receive Christ’s reward.  It’s a story based upon the truth as God sees it, of our potential, value, significance and our purpose that was deposited into us during the season of our mother’s womb.  It’s partly described in Psalms 139.  It tells how divinely unique and uniquely divine the creator made us.  This tale encourages us to press onward during difficult times because courage and strength are promised to us.  If we face the best of times or the worst of times, God’s plan is that we are destined to be more than conquerors. Each chapter of this story supports our faith and determination.  This opinion God has of us is founded on the fact that He sees us “In Christ” and “Christ in us”.  It’s the best story and version of ourselves that we could ever imagine.  What sounds like a fable and fairy tale is actually the highest truth that exists.

Then there’s the second story:  This second story has the power to override the first.  We tend to accept it because it’s based upon facts as we see them, therefore it appears to be more believable to us.  This is the story Michael tells Michael about Michael.  It’s the story you tell yourself about yourself.  It’s the tale of the human heart that plays inside each of us throughout our lives.  It consists of specific, descriptive, diminishing, condemning words we tell ourselves on an ongoing basis.  It’s the words of parents, family members, teachers, coaches, supposed friends, and others that find their way into our story in a convincing manner.  These words have become automatic in the way we internally process our life and our identity.  This story is not just composed of the words we use to describe ourselves, but it’s also made up from the questions we ask about ourselves.  C.S. Lewis said, “It’s critically important to examine the assumptions within a question”.  I’m sure that this statement applies to politics, religion, and many other areas of life, but this also applies to our story – It applies to our identity.  When we compare ourselves to others, when we are overly judgmental to ourselves, about ourselves.  We ask ourselves questions like, why do I always_____, why can’t I be a better_____, why don’t I____?  As we do, we drive the assumptions about ourselves deeper into the beliefs of our hearts.  This story is the story of our identity.  It determines the filters by which we perceive ourselves, our value and significance.  Our personal sense of identity also determines how will relate to others, God and the world around us in general.

Proverbs 4:23 encourages us to guard our hearts with all diligence because out of it flow the issues of life. The heart, is the seat of our identity.  God’s word encourages us to guard our hearts, from the wrong story, because the story we believe will direct our lives. 

If we accept the failures of our past to be our story, we will approach ourselves, others, God and the world around us out of failure. 

As a man (or woman) thinks in their heart, so are they! Proverbs 23:7.  There are a couple truths in this scripture that time prevents me from explaining here, but one truth is that the beliefs of our hearts will direct our behavior.  We all live our lives out of the story we believe in our hearts.  This is why we must bring into harmony the story we tell ourselves about ourselves with the story that God tells us about us.

The amount of courage or lack thereof we have is determined by the story we believe to be true about ourselves.  The success or failure we experience is, at least to a large degree, an expression of the story our heart believes.   All our issues flow from our own hearts.  When we change the beliefs of our heart, typically about our accepted identity, we change outcomes, we change behavior, we change our future and the future of our descendants. 

There are some who tell themselves a positive story about themselves.  It may not be healthy, but it is positive – temporarily!    We all know those people who appear to have it all together.  They are confident, and enviable.  Their identity seems to have no chinks in it.  However, when the winds of adversity blow, when the ground shakes, when the market collapses, when all hell breaks loose – will they still be standing?  The trying times reveal to us what we are founded upon.  It’s only when we are solidly founded in an identity built upon Christ and His word that we will have a healthy sense of identity.  That’s the solid rock.  That’s the firm foundation.  All other ground is sinking sand.

God has an opinion of you that is greater than anything we could think or imagine.  His word declares a story about you that is full of purpose.  It’s fulfilling.  It’s a choice to believe.  His story about you is bursting with Kingdom life and potential.

We have the ability to change our story through the power of the Holy Spirit and God’s word. 

Thankfully, we can renew our minds and hearts to the new information that God’s story tells us.  Our biggest hindrance to a life well lived is not your enemy – it’s not the people who mistreated you – its not the opposing political party – it’s not even the devil!  Our biggest hindrance to being the people God created us to be is the lie we believe about ourselves!  Debunk the lies! 

I want to encourage you to meditate on the things that God’s word says about you.  You are more than a conqueror! You are loved and accepted in Christ! You are created with purpose for His purpose and glory!  You are enough because of what Jesus did!  It’s time to change the story we tell ourselves about yourselves.   God’s opinion and perspective represent the most powerful truth we can live in!