There’s an added weight that parents with estranged adult children deal with. On top of the persistent, self doubting questions, the pain and silence that accompanies birthdays, holidays, and everyday life, there is a private sense of shame that many parents deal with. After all, how do you explain to friends and family, who haven’t experienced estrangement, the what’s and why’s of what you don’t completely understand yourself?

It’s common for parents of estranged adult children to question everything about their own parenting abilities, their identity, their worth and many other things. This shame is not as focussed on the guilt of mistakes, as much as it is an attack on who we are as human beings. It’s an unhealthy label that attempts to define us as failures, and relegate us to hopelessness.

While estrangement has been around since the days of Cain and Able, it has had an incredible spike in the last decade or so.

Nearly 1 in 3 families deal with, (effectively or ineffectively) estrangement, and many of these include estrangement between parents and their children. It’s a gaping wound within our culture. I include this growing statistic to let you know that if you are estranged from your child, you are not alone in this struggle. It’s everywhere!

I’m confident that none of us were perfect parents. I’m confident that most of us did the best we could do, but also that we have grown and matured along the way. I’m most confident that God wants to be the central part of healing this divide in our families.

In the Biblical story of the prodigal son, there was no indication that the father had given his son a reason to ask for his inheritance, (Which is the same a saying, I wish you were dead) and then leave. The reasons for the sons actions were held within the son’s interpretations and filters of his own soul and life. Accept that not everything your child does is about your failures as a parent.

I’m not insinuating that one hundred percent of estrangement situations are unjustified. But I would wager my life that most are uncalled for and unnecessary.

Shame will never lead you in a positive direction. If you have made mistakes as a parent, repent and move forward, without the sense of shame. Move forward in hope, move forward in faith, move forward knowing God wants to play a part in healing your relationships.

God has provided a way for us to live without shame. It’s part of our redemption. It’s part of our relationship with Christ. As our redeemer, he offers us a release from shame. Scripture teaches us that, “Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like flint, (on God) and I know I will not be put to shame.” (Isaiah 50:7) And “Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; NO SHADOW OF SHAME WILL DARKEN THEIR FACES!” (Psalms 34:5)

If you struggle with shame as a parent, or feel shame in any other area of your life, God wants you to be free you from this dread.

God desires restoration. He doesn’t want to restore “what was”. He wants to restore and renew to a healthy relationship. He forgives when we repent. Perhaps it’s time to forgive yourself and be free from the parental shame of estrangement.

For more help in Surviving Estrangement, my contact information is provided on the contact page of this sight!

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